Random Bits

I ran last night, and I got to my LPTR group late. I had some sense of urgency to run hard after a long day of Marketing Meetings. ("We shovel shit as good as anyone"). I often marvel at where I ended up, considering where I started. I was reminded of this again by a short conversation with two of the running group members. I admire both of them very much, in a variety of ways including the fact they are both good people and excellent runners. Considering that I got to the run 5 minutes late, I was actually quite surprised to catch both of them (Both tapering, for different reasons).

After some conversation about running and College, one asked me if I went to school. I answer with "no, I didn't". Then one asked the other "Do you have a masters degree?" and the reply was "yes, I do and I sell paint for a living". My response was, "huh, I didn't and ended up a marketing manager in a 7 billion dollar company".

And now I think how's that happen?

Afterward, I thought about my response, and how it may have been taken. I certainly wasn't bragging; I was marveling. at how random our lives can be. I've certainly had my ups and downs in my career life, and while I am in a higher level job now, I don't necessarily feel a sense of importance. On the contrary, I can see better the posturing, the politics, the ass-kissing, the maneuvering that goes on in a big company, especially at higher levels. I don't know how long I'll stay, but for now, here I am.

Double-D, for what its worth, I'd buy paint from you, or anything else you'd care to sell. I wish the bozo's I have to deal with had half the horse sense you've got. Damn straight.

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"A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet"

"Words cannot carry the essence of experience, anymore than a fishing net can draw up the sea."

"A spoon cannot taste of the food it carries. Likewise, a foolish man cannot understand the wise man´s wisdom even if he associates with a sage."

I am constantly being tripped up by language as of late. I think about how experience is different that the memory of it, and especially the words associated with the memory of it. Then I start reading something, or someone, that really resonates with things I've experienced. Maybe that's it. Maybe the words can only draw the feelings if you've been there before.

Currently reading Desert Solitaire, by Ed Abbey. He good. He really good. He triggers all sorts of thoughts, many make me excited, think and think.

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Speaking of words not being the emotions: Same thing with 'things' not being the experience either. I still obsessively shop for backpacking gear. What I really want to do is go back to the desert, or the forest. But since I can't right now, I plan, plan plan, look, look look, buy, buy and buy. I buy lots of stuff, try it on, look it over. Most of it goes back to the store(s). I want the experience of the wild, but all I got is the trappings. The tent set up in my living room is not a substitute for being out in the forest at night, listening to star light hit the trees. The backpack is replaced by the laptop on too many days. A 5:30 am shower is not the mountain stream where I want to be standing on a rock, feeling the rush of a waterfall reverberate my toes. Morning coffee brewed on a campfire at first light, not in a styrofoam cup on a 2 hour commute.

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So Superior 50 Mile race is coming up, and I am really excited to go. I have plan to go out hard. I don't know how long I can hold it, but I want to push the edge really hard. I want to be shocked. Shocked out of the daily rut, of every day cars and television and expense reports and marketing plans. I want to be pounded down until I am so small as to only be a breath, a whisper of existence. I want to feel nothing, and everything. I want to remember my humanness. The need to eat, the need to stretch my limbs, the over-whelming urge to sleep, to be so tired I may collapse. reaching the edge, I'll hold on, hold on. Baby, got to hold on. Take bone-draining tired by the hand, and hold on.

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I bought a Nathan pack recently for running. Its a decent hydration pack, and very popular. I hated it. I tried it, and I just can't make it work for me. I loaned it to a friend, and she offered to buy it from me if it works for her. The thing is, I don't need the money, and I would really like her to just have it if she really likes it and is going to use it. I don't know why this is, but when I can give something to someone, I really like to give it to them without taking the money. I hope it works for her, but if it doesn't I am sure I can find someone else in the group will use it. That's the important thing: I don't want to give it away if its not going to get used; to give it before I know she likes it, well, then it sits in her closet, un-used. So I didn't tell her yet that I want to just give it her. That way if she likes it, and really really wants to use it, it will feel like a gift of something she needs. Its not really altruistic giving; it comes with a hitch.

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Fall is here. Autumn. Good running weather. Two 50's on my list, and maybe something more. Haven't decided what that is yet. No matter what it is, This. This is it. And I have a sense of urgency to feel it all, before I don't have the strength or ability to feel it, before I've lost the ability but not the desire and I'm trapped in my own skin unable to wipe my own ass or feed myself.

If I have one wish, its this: to DIE before that happens. I don't want to die, I don't have a death wish. I have a LIFE wish. I want to LIVE. And LIVE as LARGE as is possible.