Saturday, July 28, 2012

Fear and Self Loathing

So it's been a while since i have posted. Work. Travel. Life. It takes time. So, a short set of thoughts here, and then onward.

I ran today, about 20 miles in four hours. Leisurely pace, for sure, with a couple new guys from the Lapham group. It was a good Ice Age Trail run, on a day that the temperature wasn't a million degrees.

Walking on the sun for the last month or so, not so much fun. Most of my running friends have been hiding too.

The nice thing about today was that I felt like myself again. Unlike when I ran on Wednesday with the group at Lapham, something I have been missing due to work. That day, it was HOT, humid, and impossibly close feeling in the woods, where normally you get relief from the heat. It just felt oppressive.

The day was supposed to be one of celebration; one of the guys was turning 50, and another had turned 50 a few weeks ago. So we had one of our little competitions. I totally, and completely sucked. I mean, between not enough sleep, too much travel, and the oppressive heat, I literally couldn't run. It was the slowest I had ever 'run' the black loop. Ever. I came in 27 of 35 runners.

What should have been a good day with good friends turned into; self-loathing.

Lesson 1: Most importantly, I discovered something about myself. I am competitive, and mostly with myself, but I STILL need the bench mark of other people to go by. It was HOT, yes. but where I placed in the group told m about my fitness level that day; my ability to step it up and lay some down. There wasn't much in the tank.

Lesson 2: I should have opted out of the competition. I think it's really OK some days to just say: I don't have it, and rather than turn in a dismal performance, just give it a pass for another day. So, I spent some time pouting about my crappy performance, fortunately, no one was listening and instead were enjoying themselves at the festivities. I got over it.

Lesson 3: You can't mail it in. OK, sometimes you can. By that I mean show up under-trained and unprepared and do well anyway.

Lesson 4: it's much more fun to listen to other people than to talk. The most fun I had was listening to Brother Grub talk about his backpacking trip. When I finally shut off the whiny little kid in my tiny little ego, I relaxed. I am sure I was much more fun to be around too. No one likes a whiner. Especially Ultra runners.

So, that is whats on my mind today.

So to all of you, have fun TODAY, because life is an adventure. Stop and listen, and look around once in a while. you'll be surprised at what you see.


‎"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

Dawna Markova