Random Bits

A friend of mine, who is 5 feet nothing, drives a very small car. Her arms are short, so when she sits behind the wheel she 4 inches away. Driving, she looks like she wears the car. Wouldn't it be cool to wear your car? I mean really wear it? "Honey, I'm looking my Maserati pants, they aren't in the wash again are they?" Hey my Volvo shirt needs an oil change, can you take it in
tomorrow?"

So I was thinking the other day about my Dad. He died in 2003, at the ripe young age of nearly 74. He was looking healthy, having started taking better care of himself over the last year of his life. Prior to that, it was Diabetes, brought on by probably too much beer in too many hours in local saloons. He had looked gray, ashen, and he was shrinking. I often wonder what kind of pain he was trying to kill all those years in the bars. What words were never spoken, and missing fixes for what was broken? I think he realized late that THIS was it, and waiting was a kind of death of its own. He died while walking, the loudest whisper in his chest, his heart literally exploding.




I bought a tent before I went to Arizona in January. Its a nice tent, and just the right size. But there is a problem with it. It wasn't the tent I wanted; its 2 pounds heavier than the one I thought I was getting. I was in a rush, and should have checked the specs a little closer. Don't get me wrong, I like it, its great.and worked well on my trip. But I find myself filling hours looking at deals on tents, lighter ones. You wouldn't think 2 pound would make all that much difference, but I've been obsessed with trying to find ways of lightening my pack. Its amazing how much time is spent on doing with less.

The AZ trip I was at around 25 pounds, so 2 pounds to drop is a big deal. But is it really? I mean, that 2 pounds is probably going to cost me over 200 bucks. Is it really worth it? More interesting to me right now, is to watch myself do these things: Search, compare, look for a deal.... etc. I believe I will have a big let down when / if I ever do actually buy another tent. The hunt will be over. I have a WANT, and maybe I don't want the WANT to go away? I mean, isn't the minimalist stance not just getting rid of the 'stuff' but getting rid of the want?




Right now I don't have a sofa and chair in my living room. I loaned it to a friend, who moved and had to order new furniture. It won't be in for 12 weeks, so I thought it would be a good test to see how I can live without it. How little can we live with? What divides our wants from our needs? And is 'need' an escalating thing? A domino effect to bigger and better?

My tally so far. TV? Gone. Furniture? Gone. Dishes, plates glasses: cut back to no more than 4 of anything. Shoes? OK, got work to do there. Kayaks? Two up for sale, keeping just one, maybe.


I am headed to Clinton Lake this weekend for a 30 mile race; hopefully we won't rained on. I don't mind the rain so much, but early spring rain can be c-c-cold.

That's enough random bits for today.

Childs Play

A friend of mine was a teachers aide for a group of autistic children recently.

She told me a story about one of the kids, who had done some drawings and wanted to show her his work.

"This one is a Cat" he said.

"This one is a Dog" he said.

"This one is a small underdeveloped third world country being set on fire by its angry citizens"... He said.

The Weight

I wrote this two years ago, but never put it 'out there'. I find it interesting now. Maybe time has lessened its weight; maybe the monkey mind finally found something else to do....






A half forgotten dream starts my day. The argument, start of the heart-tension upon waking.

The slow waking should be a pleasure. Those moments when you are half dreamy. Instead, they only brought the looking.

A man roaming the empty halls of an unfurnished mansion. Room by room, door by door. Closets. Attic. Basement. Looking for the answer. Why?

An ache, something is missing. And upon finding it, realizing it isn't a pleasant discovery, but a heavy burden to be carried. An attachment. Weighted down.

I can't drop it. Once found, it's mine. For the day. Until sleep brings relief once again.

Some days are much harder. It's a such a burden. A bloody axe stuck in my hand. I try and resolve it, but there is no resolution. There is no reason, it just is. I can't get these blood stains off my hands.

I can't drop it. I can't clean it up.

So I Wait.

Wait for the day that I don't go looking for it. Because if I look for it, I'm sure to find it. Again. And carry it around for the day. One year is coming up soon. Milestones may mean something.

I wait to find real forgiveness, and wait to find real peace. I wait to let it go. It's there, I have had glimmers.

So I Wait.

Marching Time

I think many people wish their lives away.

My favorite is in the middle of the week, when people say: "Wow, I'm glad its Wednesday, half way to weekend" or, "its been a long week".

"Happy Friday" which is never said with sarcasm, as in "Happy Monday". Why is one moment of "NOW" better than another moment?

Why are we so averse or attached to a particular label on a given NOW in the perceived notion of the stream of time?

Sometimes I think that the attachment to "Friday" is almost worse than the aversion to "Monday", in that it sets up the aversion itself (but then, I too am making a judgment call and its a rabbit hole that I don' need to go down). What are you going to do on Friday or Saturday, that makes it so much better than Monday? Tuesday?

All that you ever have is NOW. Whether to be averse or attached to it, BOTH waste the experience. Revel in it, immerse yourself in it, whether its pain, pleasure, boredom, anger, cold, hot, vanilla, chocolate, or tutti fruiti.

"When" was the last "time" you noticed it was NOW?

Recombobulation

There is a word we are all familiar with: Discombobulation: to confuse or disconcert; upset; frustrate.to confuse or disconcert; upset; frustrate.

It has its polar opposite, according to the Milwaukee Airport people. "Recombobulation". After checking through Security, you reach the "Recombobulation Area" (So apparently the scan and pat down area is the "Discombobulation Area" by definition). If its not a real word, someone in the Administrative area there has a hellava sense of humor.

I recomobobulated in AZ recently. More to come.....

Now or Later

The Moon shot







I am headed to the desert on Monday next week. The group I go with times it so that we are there during the full moon. I'll get in some night hikes, and have my Fenix (pronounced like Phoenix the city) to light the way.

At night, Its eerie, like being on a different planet: beautifully strange.

During the day, I should get in some great hikes and runs in the desert mountains. Its a big place, with miles and miles of trails.



Those are tents down there..








Since i don't have a 'smart' phone, I don't have an all-in-one device to both take pictures and assist with navigation

To save weight, its either a GPS, or a camera. I don't want to carry both (I will carry my phone too). So I have to decide whether its more important to know where I am now, or to later remember where I've been.


Sun and clouds makes
for drama in photos...








The Buddhist in me first says to take the GPS: its always more important to know NOW, be NOW, live in the moment.

Not worry about recording some photo that I won't care much about later anyway.





High peaks, low clouds..






But then the Buddhist in me says: you already know where you are, and relying on some external source for finding that is always a mistake. No. rely on a compass, a map, and the sun. Mark confusion points with cairns (A small pile of stones, arranged so it looks intentional). Don't stick you head in the sand.






Canyon Wash.........






The photo Op says STOP. Look around outside your immediate sphere. The camera can be the reminder to live in the present moment.

The camera wins. I will get some great shots, of some beautiful country. The shots above were from my last trip.



See you in 10 days or so.

Dreams of Mara

Hello Mara. Happy New Year.

I had the dreams about you again last night.

Some dreams it’s light. I can hold it up, and it’s an ephemeral thing. A fugitive in the night. A ghost of a memory. Almost transparent, invisible, hazy. Barely there. Then it slips away, like a fog rolling out to a calm sea. And I find myself, and it’s warm. A glow, deep inside me.

Then, there are days it’s an anvil. Heavy. I can hardly lift it. My shoulders sag, my chest hurts. It’s more than a rain of tears, it’s thunder.

The attachment. A heavy thing should be easy to let go of. But it’s not.

A dream away, all my good-byes. A dream away, all my hopes. All my attachments. Some times I am so close. I see that “I” don’t exist. And yet I am everything at the same time.

I have to face it. The fire in the furnace. The only way I’m ever going to let go, is when I can face my fear of it directly. Way down in the hole. Until then, it’s more good-byes, it’s more justifying, it’s rationalizing. Again and again.

Until I can give up the anger. Until I can give up my selfishness. Until I can forgive. These are the lessons. These are the reason you were there. The reasons you are still here.

And you will you be here/there, teaching me these lessons, over and over until I see that it isn’t you at all. It’s me.